Real
Challenges Real Changes by Rabbi Dr. Eliezer Goldstock with his ayshes chayil
Chana Tova Goldstock
We
have had the good fortune of having a very close friend, Yitzy, who happens to
be deaf.
He
will often show up at our house, on a Shabbos, unannounced and his intermittent
visits while welcomed are usually a challenge for everyone who happens to be in
the house at the time of his enigmatic and unexpected appearances.
This
is defined such because we all need to adapt to his presence, unlike any of our
other, intermittent, invited, announced or unannounced guests. Yitzes arrival
causes us to increase our attention and focus by employing a variety of
adaptations and changes that allows for ‘his’ participation in the Shabbos
socialization experience.
For
example when anyone is speaking with Yitz even though he can sign, few of us
can sign well enough to make for a conversation that has any real meaning or
depth. Thus, for example, when we are trying to gain his attention first we all
need to remember that we will need to make eye contact or at least gain his
attention using some physical cue or gesture in order for him to know that we
want his attention to say something to him.
This
can be a bit cumbersome and I must, reluctantly but honestly admit that there
have been times that it was some kind of relief when he did finally move
on.
While
we consider Yitzy to be a friend, his presence requires an exceptional level of
emotional, psychological, social, and intellectual investment on the part of
everyone present and at every level. Our capacity to adapt to his many
prerequisites is a level of commitment that is constant and deeply intense
during the entire duration of his visits.
Much
of the dynamic of our discussions whether on a light humorous level or a more
in depth subject falls on the shoulders of my wife, Chana and I since everyone
assumes that it is easier for us to interact with him than it is for everyone
else that in actuality, couldn’t be further from the truth. Neither Chana nor I
have not had any training in working or interacting with the deaf as
individuals or in a community and yet since we have had the greatest exposure
and involvement with handicap and disability of any of our friends, relations,
or guests it will all fall on us to see to it that our friend is comfortable
and remains involved.
Our
relationship is one filled with an increased level of frustration because of
all of Yitzy’s unique and specific special needs and exceptional demands that
are necessary in order to remain a part of our complete family and Shabbos
dynamic.
We
are not required to be nice to him or even include him in our social or
familial interaction simply because he is deaf, yet we find him to be genuinely
friendly, funny and very sincere. He does, always, have something to contribute
and is very engaging even if this interface is often quite exhausting.
We
are confronting his limits with a whole new set of our own. That is he cannot
hear and while not his fault we cannot overcome his inability to hear even with
all of our so called abilities and that is frustrating for us and him.
When
we observe a family going through the initial phases of facing up to a life
with a child born with a set of handicaps or disabilities I am always reminded
of this circumstance of our deaf friend/guest, Yitzy.
When
we look at a disabled newborn the only context in which I have come to realize
that we can ascertain a halachically correct response is to follow the Kesef
Mishna where-in he observes that there is a case where a child may no longer be
able to endure the strain of providing proper and appropriate parental care.
For example we are suddenly confronted with the reality of an aging parent or
parents and how will we respond to their need for care.
This
is a situation where the mind of the parent has been so overwhelmingly
compromised to the point that they are no longer able to have a relationship.
In this specific case in the Gemora (Kiddushin) R. Assi leaves his mother.
The
Raavad is disturbed by this abandonment more by the fact that he cannot believe
that it is more possible that the parent can care for a child without monetary
remuneration yet a stranger will do it for a fee.
Using
this reverse kind of logic he concludes that the parent will not be able to
freely speak their minds to a paid employee guardian however, with the real
flesh and blood child they will not feel as restricted.
The
Rambam says that there is in all probability a suitable substitute for the
child caring for an incapacitated parent while the Raavad contends that there
is no suitable substitute for a blood relative child when the question is the
care of their own parents.
And
the fact that the parents will not feel as comfortable around a stranger and
thus this will inhibit the parent from truly expressing their own needs he
concludes, will adversely affect the overall quality of the care of the parent.
(Nishmas Avraham and Yoreh Deah 240:5)
These
arguments primarily revolve around the differences in the professional care
offered by a stranger versus the inexperienced (service) care provided by a
child.
This
is a classic disagreement between the Raavad (the idealist) and the Rambam (the
realist) that offers a choice for the family to determine their specific level
of limitations and abilities.
Thus
we see that there may actually be a compromise solution that accepts both the
idealism and the realism that offers families who are suddenly confronted with
an infant born with a disability a choice to keep their children at home while
simultaneously providing all of the requisite therapies and professional
services and all at the same time still not compromising the level of care and
development being offered to the child.
We
all need family, and those of us fortunate enough to have a large family rely
upon it to share the joys and burdens of being a member of that family. The
fullness we all feel at having an extended family as well as a large natural
immediate family gives us an identity, a sense of self, closeness, support, and
variety.
It
is exactly this access to the dynamics of a large family and therefore a family
based communal life that is denied to the baby who is given away in the very beginning
of life. How much more so does a retarded child need to feel this acceptance
and the security that goes with it, rather than literally being lost, isolated,
and rejected from the very first phase of life.
Just
as having a friend who is deaf and who surprises us on occasion on a Shabbos or
at a simcha and just as keeping a child born with Down syndrome can only enrich
everyone’s experience that is a part of being together.
By
eliminating the myths, the fears, and the unknown, and then by further embracing,
understanding and meeting the challenges head on, we all benefit.
No,
it ain’t easy but it is worth it. As my dear friend Rabbi Yaakov Regensberg
said when he and his wife Suri took in their third abandoned child born with
Down syndrome, “when there’s room in the heart, there’s room in the home.”
Rabbi Dr. Eliezer M. Goldstock, and his wife of valor Mrs.
Chana Tova Goldstock are the
Co founders of an all new project being developed in
Jerusalem for adults who have Down syndrome, known as Machon Shira v’Zimra of
Jerusalem.
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Rabbinical Alliance of America (RAA)
www.hearttoheartamerican.org//
